Link

Test

Logistics – boring sh!te and background to get out of the way

Which coast and to where?

The Coast to Coast walk is an approximately 200 mile walk across the narrowest stretch of England (note I am cycling it I think I’d get bored walking for 2 weeks). This route was first made famous by Alfred Wainright in his 1974 book “A Coast to Coast Walk”. The traditional route takes you from St Bees on the Irish Sea to Robin Hoods Bay on the North Sea. You can of course go the opposite way but for practical reasons alone the East-West route is more popular as you get favourable winds (tail vs head). Boring fact but there has to be some in here.

Because cyclists are masochistic types they decided to start riding the Coast to Coast. Not satisfied with riding a smilar walking route (far too easy), the cycling community mapped out a seriously daunting 4-7 day trek covering 268 miles of some of the toughest terrain the UK has to offer.

Timing is essential

Everyone knows that the UK is not famous for its all year round perfect weather. In fact the North of England where the Coast to Coast traverses the country has some pretty wet, bleak and windy weather at times of the year. Ideally you’d want to ride this in July during the height of the Northern Hemisphere summer. Ideals are just that though. Due to my impetuousness and generally spontaneous nature I’ve decided to attempt the Coast to Coast in October. Almost half way to winter. I like a good challenge. Considering I landed in the UK on June 20^thfollowing a year of travelling covering South and Central America and a ski season in Whistler, amongst other hijinks, 3 months to plan, prepare and train for the Coast to Coast is a fair old challenge.

So that’s a loose outline of what I am aiming to achieve and in what sort of timeframe. I could bore you with more details of route planning, accommodation and other necessary arrangements but I won’t. Go and treat yourself. Have a tommy tank or something with the time I saved you just now.

Coast 2 Coast - cycling across a country...albeit the narrowest part

What's all this then?

If the adventures of an amateur cyclist attempting to mountain bike across England sounds like a bit of a laugh then follow me as I plan, train for, and attempt to mountain bike across England’s famous Coast to Coast walk.

The Coast to Coast walk is an approximately 200 mile walk across the narrowest stretch of England (note I am cycling it I think I’d get bored walking for 2 weeks). This route was first made famous by Alfred Wainright in his 1974 book “A Coast to Coast Walk”.

This book, while detailing a lovely journey through some of the most picturesque parts of England, is by all reports rather dull. I shall seek to rectify this in my version of the Coast 2 Coast. See I've already replaced the "to" with the numeral "2". Instant street cred and cool factor right there.

The Origin of Species/Symmetry/The Universe/This Blog

Why not? That’s the smart a$$ answer. The real answer lies somewhere between that and a latent need to achieve something of note after over a year of essentially living a hedonistic existence.

About a year ago I decided to take a leave of absence from work and do some long overdue travelling. After all, what is Generation Y other than a bunch of over entitled, flighty employees with no respect for hard work? After 6 years as a management consultant in Sydney, Australia it was by far time I wracked off. So, armed with a two passports, a healthy bank account and share portfolio to bank roll my ventures, I set off around the world. To regular readers and friends you will know this portion of my life as Lifestyle Specialising. To those new readers this is called Lifestyle Specialising. For more on Lifestyle Specialising see my early blogs. They unfortunately met a sticky end when the content veered in a direction that was on the whole not suitable for public consumption. Basically from when I arrived in Colombia. You do the maths. The point of this is not about what I did, but how it made me feel. Pretty freaking great for the most part, thanks for asking.

The truth is (a) something you can’t handle, (b) impossible to prove all of according to Gödel’s incompleteness theorems, (c) that after leaving a job where half the fun was working hard, gaining knowledge and insight, and ultimately knowing you’ve made a positive difference, living only for moment can be pretty shallow and ultimately unsatisfactory. If you answered (c) you are correct. If you answered (a) or (b) then you are also so correct but not in this context. Now, this is not about leaving some lasting legacy or breaking records, many other punters have cycled before me, but more so about being reminded of the fact that hard work does pay off and that life is not all beer and skittles, but more like a box of chocolates. You never know what you are going to get. Enough however. This is not a place for moralising or philosophy. I like to leave that to Fox News and talk back radio. On with the show.

Fine, you may say. Do it to feel better about yourself (still pretty hedonistic??). But why write about it? Why not? That’s the smart a$$ answer. The real answer lies somewhere between that and a latent need to achieve something of note after over a year of essentially living a hedonistic existence.

As the famous Russian proverb goes, “a man is judged by his actions, not by his words”.So to action it is. My first of which is writing this. Hmm...

What type of Gringo are you?

Enjoying an authentic local experience - they can't wait to show their neighbours back home this photo

Gringo. A general term used by Latin American's to describe those of foreign origin. Whilst the term was originally intended to identify Americans (of the septic tank, i.e. Yank, variety) following the Mexican-American wars where the US of A (dressed in green uniforms) towelled up the little Mexicans in short order, the term Gringo has grown to include all foreigners, regardless of origin. With such a wide catchment of the human population now covered by the term Gringo I have decided that it is past time for a deeper investigation of this population with the hope of identifying unique sub-species within the genus Gringo. The results of my investigations can be found below. In the best journalistic traditions my findings will be presented in quiz format based on the "Which type of *insert stereotype here* are you???" style found in Cosmopolitan or any other trashy magazine aimed at teenage girls.

If you've been fortunate enough never to have seen/read/heard of one of these quizzes then god bless you. Nevertheless, you'll need a quick rundown on how these pieces of literary content vacuum operate. Quite simple really. I guess it has to be when your primary audience are fans of Justin Bieber and the Twilight series. You will be presented with a series questions and multiple choice answers that describe various characteristics, personality traits, and other identifying features. Simply read through the questions and select the response that most resembles you. In each case note down the corresponding multiple choice letter. Once you've answered all questions check to see which multiple choice letter occurred most frequently in your responses. It's OK if you have a range of letters but you should see a grouping around a particular letter. Don't worry. You don't have schizophrenia or a split personality. Well you may, but the American Medical Association would probably not approve of the quiz as a valid diagnostic tool. Finally look at the summary descriptions and identify the description that corresponds to your most frequent multiple choice answer. What follows should be an apt description of a part of your personality.

Question 1: What is the primary purpose of your travels?
(a) Consumption of as much alcohol as possible, preferably in the hostel bar, closely followed by consumption of controlled substances and fornication with other back packers or the odd unsuspecting local should you leave the hostel.

(b) Experiencing the "real" *insert country/continent*. It's all about cultural immersion.

(c) Ticking boxes. If it's in the guidebook then you are going to see it come rain, hail or Central American tin pot dictatorial military coup.

(d) Staying away from your country of origin for as long as possible. It's your first taste of freedom so you are going to make it last.

Question 2: What type of clothing best describes your typical holiday get up.

(a) Shorts (often of the board variety), singlet and flip-flops (thongs, jandals, slip slops, sandals).

(b) Anything that is baggy and has beads on it. Headbands are also a common accompaniment.

(c) Any of the following: often in combination: Hawaiian shirts, chinos, safari suits, matching lightweight "travel" clothes.

(d) The free t-shirt that you got from the rafting trip. Failing that, a real mixed bag of old clothes and knock-off items bought at the local market.

Question 3: When purchasing local goods and services what is your approach to the transaction?
(a) You rarely buy anything from anyone who doesn't speak your native language (mostly English) but when you do it's usually alcohol or drugs which are hard to haggle over. Frequent purchases include singlets branded with one of the local domestic beers. You tip the bar staff so they poor you extra strong drinks.

(b) You don't believe in capitalism so rarely purchase anything unless it's produced by a not-for-profit charitable organisation.

(c) Most things have been pre-paid but when you do venture out to the tourist shops you pay whatever the list price is.

(d) The lowest possible price regardless of the fact you are eating into the wages of the poor local people employed by the tour agencies to actually take you on guided tours or carry your bags whilst the agency maintains a healthy profit margin. You will often waist half your day bargaining to save 10 pesos. Tipping is taboo.

Question 4: When selecting your accommodation what is the MOST important feature you look for?
(a) A bar.

(b) The absence of a mandatory hygiene standard.

(c) None. You generally have no choice as to where you stay.

(d) Price.

Question 5: What precautions do you take to ensure the security of your money and key travel documents?

(a) No need as you can charge everything to your room once armed with the holy hostel wristband - ID, wallet and emergency contact number/address all rolled into one.

(b) You don't have any money and are probably overstaying your visa so it doesn't matter.

(c) Moneybelt. You expect that 96% of the locals are criminals.

(d) You keep an excel spreadsheet with a tally of every single peso spent/lent/borrowed.

Question 6: When travelling what do you miss most about home?
(a) Watching your favourite sporting team whilst getting on the cans with your mates. "Why do these poofs like soccer so much?"

(b) The local farmers market, protesting against capitalism and a good decaf soy latte made with organic fare trade coffee beans.

(c) The white picket fence.

(d) Nothing. It's why you are staying away as long as possible.

Question 7: When travelling what are the most notable changes to your health or physical well being?
(a) You develop an awesome singlet tan and during extended periods of travel gout can set in.

(b) You frequently suffer from malnutrition as the local's don't cater for your vegan organic macrobiotic diet.

(c) None. You are barely exposed to a foreign environment given you rarely leave the hotel, tour bus, or other prescribed venue.

(d) You let your hair grow long (both head and facial). Often a tattoo is inked into your skin. Brain cells and lung capacity are irrevocably damaged from excess marijuana consumption.

Question 8: What type of countries are you most likely to want to visit?
(a) Mostly countries with beaches or other notable party destinations.

(b) Wherever spiritual awakening can be found.

(c) Those countries with "must see" tourist attractions and are safe to travel to according to your governments foreign affairs travel advisory service.

(d) Whatever countries are cheapest. In addition you are restricted to those countries which will let you in with your not so popular passport. Mostly Muslim countries.

Question 9: What kind of souvenirs are you most likely to bring home?

(a) A sexually transmitted disease.

(b) Indigenous artwork and clothing, that will be confiscated at customs because it's invested with wood worms and numerous other foreign pests and diseases that would do irreparable damage the native environment.

(c) For yourself, commemorative photos taken of you standing next to the relevant boxes you've just ticked on your recent holiday. Keyrings, mugs, stuffed toys depicting local wildlife, and numerous other examples of local trinkets that make it obvious where you've been.

(d) None. You aren't going to waste money on souvenirs.

SO, WHICH TYPE OF GRINGO ARE YOU????

Mostly (a) - The Bogan* Backpacker
(* Bogan is an Australian term referring to people who generally have few manners, low levels of education, and poor cultural awareness...most countries have similar slang terms such as yob, NED, chav, or NASCAR fan)

Farken bueno bro. Shots at the bar!!!! For you travelling is all about getting farked up in as many countries as possible. It's one endless party. Sure you'll go and tick the big tourist boxes, usually while hungover and being transported in Contiki tour bus, but it's really a second order priority. Your idea of a cultural experience is sampling the local beer. You'll learn enough of the language to enable you to order a drink at the local nightclub but that's about it. The damn foreigners should learn to speak English anyway. There is a fair chance you'll end up with a tatoo featuring an "indigenous" design that will be ruined and get infected after you pass out in the sun the next day. In large groups, especially with your fellow countrymen, you become exponentially obnoxious. Chances are you will be arrested by the local constabulary for drunkeness or drug possession on a "big night out". After sex tourists you are the second worst advert for your country. But who cares, it's the best farken country in the world so they can all get stuffed.

Mostly (b) - The Hippy
You are best described as the modern day hippy. For you travelling is all about discovering the "real" Cambodia whilst all your fellow travellers discover what must be the "fake" Cambodia. You wish you were born in the 60's so you could share in the peace, love, mung beans and bra burning. Decked out in baggy clothes, numerous bracelets and beaded hair you roam from country to country seeking spiritual enlightenment through connecting with indigenous peoples. Spurning usual gringo activities you prefer to get close to the local populace by participating in all cultural traditions. You ignore the fact that the majority of the populace has moved into the 20th century and has mobile phones and has a preference for Coca-Cola over the traditional herb tea.

Mostly (c) - The Flashpacker
Going overseas is a potentially dangerous and scary experience. Especially to countries where they don't speak your native language (i.e. most other places in the world). All those locals are out to get you. They'll take every opportunity to rip you off, steal your wallet or passport, and generally make you feel uncomfortable. Still, you aren't going to let these hassles stop you from getting those precious commemorative tourist photos at major attractions like Ankor Wat, Macchu Pichu and Christ the Redeemer, that will be going straight onto your mantle piece or coffee table to impress you friends and family with and demonstrate how intrepid you are. Hell no. You've got the money to effectively take the travelling out of travelling and by god are you going to spend it.

Question: What do you do when you can't/won't do something yourself.

Answer: Pay someone else to do it.

And that's just what you are going to do with your travels. A nice and easy pre-packaged holiday. Maximum photo opportunity, minimum fuss. Everything has been done for you bar wiping your own butt, but there is probably an additional supplemental charge you can pay to cover that if you so desire. From the hotel, to the restaurant, to the specifically selected souvenir store, whilst holidaying in your safe little Gringo bubble you can rest safe in the knowledge that all you have to do is point and click that camera of yours. Just in case you do get off the beaten track you have the latest matching North Face trekking gear. Essential for those short walks between the bus and the next designated photo opportunity.

You probably won't be reading this blog I may as well stop pouring scorn on you now. To be fair though, having the sense of adventure and courage to travel outside your own country and comfort zone should be applauded. There are many people who will never go beyond the Gold Coast or Costa del Sol. I have a secret respect for you.

Mostly (d) - The young Israeli man recently released from compulsory military service
A controversial selection no doubt but one I feel compelled to add. When someone first told me about this unique type of gringo I was sceptical and thought that they must be some dumb racist. The pointy white hat was a bit of a giveaway. That was until I experienced it first hand. It really needs to be experienced but I'll attempt to paint a little portrait for you. So, at risk of being called a racist (in which case you can go get bent)...

You seem to go out of your way to be a jerk. When in large groups you become exponentially more obnoxious and loud. Travelling is about spending as long as possible away from home, letting your hair grow long, smoking copious amounts of marijuana, and generally being a selfish turd oblivious to cultural sensitivities and other travellers. You can't be bothered interacting with backpackers from other countries. Nobody really knows why. I guess they just don't understand what you've been through these last few years cleaning tanks and doing marching drill. You are going to make up for lost time. You ruin the reputation of your fellow countrymen who are for the most part awesome travellers and backpackers. That is your unfortunate legacy. Not that you give a toss.

The End

 

So that's it then! I hope you enjoyed me casting massive aspersions and generalisations as I've gone about stereotyping the many forms of gringo that exist out there. Of course, you may not recognise yourself in one of the above descriptions. That's fine. It's probably a good thing.

Introducing The Lifestyle Specialist

The Lifestyle Specialist redefines the term "work life balance".

The Lifestyle Specialist @ work

The Lifestyle Specialist is what you wish you were.

After 6 years as a management consultant in Sydney, Australia it's time for a change. Life was good. A well paid job that kept me mentally stimulated and out of (too much) trouble. Awesome share house with my best mates in a fun part of Sydney. The doormen at my favourite bar/pub/club knew me by name. Burgeoning amateur running career. Life was great actually. Now it's about to get crazy.
Follow me as I set off for the wild blue yonder with nothing but a backpack, twinkle in my eye, full bank account, and a healthy disregard for my personal safety. In the immortal words of Mick at 6:30am after the 5th all nighter in Vegas en route to the airport for a flight to Mexico City....LETS FUCKING GO!!!!
What's this mean for the blog??? In addition to the usual stupidity and musings I'll be updating the blog with my selected travel stories and tips. We are branching out beyond seemingly random bullsh!t to travel related bullsh!t!
Here's the first installment...
Cleared for Takeoff!

I welcomed the first day as a Lifestyle Specialist much as I expect to welcome many of my South American days to come...with a ring stinging morning after stool (not of the legged variety oft found in bars). There is a price to pay for greatness and so too is there a price to pay for a good curry. A price I willing to pay to the chef and his team at Nilgiri's the night before the rest of my life. Now, while I don't expect too many cracking curries ahead in the South American portion of my journey, I fully expect to be laid low with a case of bowel loosening food poisoning. A similar after effect but without the mouth/eye/nose watering joy brought on by a hot curry. It was with this knowledge that I booked the restaurant, viewing it as training for the days ahead as much as an excuse for a nice meal with the immediate family before their immediacy is reduced to just blood line and not physical proximity.

Losing my virginity. My sky charriot (as I like to call it) courtesy of Sir Richard

On the topic of curry and its effects, did you ever wonder why the hottest of hot curries was called the "Vindaloo"? Hint: check out the last three letters.

Home for the next while. My life packed into 55 Litres.

Another thing I expect to battle, in addition to digestive tract destruction, is general incompetence and inefficiency at border control in less developed countries. You'd imagine my surprise then when the attractive lady at the Virgin check-in counter said I'd need to book a flight out of Costa Rica before they would issue me a ticket. I was flabbergasted. To start with Virgin were only flying me as far as the US and A. Apparently, before they let you into central american banana republics they like to know you will be leaving at some stage. I'd quite happily tell border control all about my backpacking plans, where I was going next and which European nations' backpackers I'd hit on next, but this was probably not going to be proof enough for Juan the Customs Officer. To complicate matters I was planning on leaving Costa Rica by foot across the Panamanian border. I thought if I showed Juan the receipt for my cool new trail running/hiking shoes that would be proof of my mode of exit from his country. When it came down to it there was nothing stopping Virgin ticketing me, it was just friendly and insistent advice on their behalf for my journey ahead, regardless of the fact it would be with another Carrier. Confident I'd sort something out and just wanting to get the damn trip underway I told them to go ahead and ticket me. Note to Sir Richard Branson: you should look into your HR hiring policy. More focus on IQ and less on bust size. I now view this opportunity, like the hot Nilgiri's curry, as training for the journey ahead.

TRAVEL TIP #1 - Fake Departure Documentation to fool Central American Customs
After consulting my future traveling buddy and all round good bloke Aaron 'Tank' Sweet he put me onto this little scam. Simply start to create an airline booking through Expedia as if you were planning to actually book and leave the country on a certain date. In my case a few weeks after I arrive in Costa Rica returning to the USA via Dallas. Now before it asks you to select the seat and pay just 'save' the itinerary. You can then print this itinerary out and it looks just like the real thing as if you'd paid your hard earned Benjamin's. If this fails bribe the bugger.

This is only really a problem when entering Central America via plane. Once you are there and traveling overland just buy a cheap return bus fare for $2 and that's proof enough. I'm sure the local bus operators work on the basis that 50% of cross border fares sold to Westerners will never be claimed so it's therefore safe to double book the bus. More room for locals and their livestock.

Day 1 Miscellaneous Points of Note

• Highlight: managed to blag 3 seats to myself on the flight. Slept like a baby. Thanks Sir Richard. Didn't join the mile high club so could have been better. Maybe Sir Richard should look into making this an upgrade option on your standard air fare??
• Low-light: 14 hour wait in LAX for my connecting flight into Costa Rica where the real trip will begin. Upon conducting recon work the departure area for my flight to Costa Rica (via Houston) leaving from LAX domestic Terminal 6 I quickly retreated to the relatively luxurious confines of the Tom Bradley International Terminal. The line for the esteemed Continental Airlines check-in desk reminded me of so many of the things that are great and terrible about America.
• The Great: the entrepreneurial spirit and lack of red tape associated with big government making air travel the domain of not just the rich and privileged but also extending to the great unwashed.
• The Terrible: that same entrepreneurial spirit and lack of red tape that has reduced the cost of production to such a degree that the great unwashed can fly. If you've seen a line for Frontier or Southwest airlines then you've seen hell. God help those who can't afford to fly and must travel by Greyhound bus. If it's anything like my 2005 trip from Austin to Dallas on way to SPRING BREAK!!!! then pack your stab vest and pepper spray. But that's a story for another time.
• Things I forgot: how much I hate the USA's tax regime and currency. That $1 apple will be 1 dollar and 7 cents after tax. Oh great. Now my change weighs more than my whole travel pack for the holiday.

TRAVEL TIP #2 - Where to wait during long layovers between flights
At most airports the international terminal departures area is the place to be. It's decked out with all the nice shops, amenities, couch areas and wifi, such that it'll feel like 5 star luxury compared to some of the hostels you'll be staying in. It's purpose built to leach money out of friends and family as they say farewell to their loved ones so the canny traveler can locate a first rate couch (bed) and leach some free wifi from one of the airline lounges.

More airports tomorrow. Joy!

Charity - how to cross sell via your blog

Just a quickie today. Like superman having sex. It's faster than a speeding bullet.

So if you've read any of the content of this awesome blog you would probably find it hard to believe that I like to do a fair bit for charitable causes. For instance, I lower myself to the level of the average man and talk to ugly chicks at the pub on occassion. In addition to this community service I'm also raise money for a host of causes. My chosen cause this month is the Cancer Council of Australia. This is totally serious by the way. I do talk to ugly chicks, and am raising money for the Cancer Council. So then, if your curious about the event or why I'm raising money then read below. If not then you have only yourself to blame if they come up with a cure for cancer the day after you pass away.

Sponsor Me in the Cancer Council's Relay for Life

I don't usually hassle those I know or even randoms for donations towards the causes which I believe in. If I did I'd regularly be asking you all to buy me a drink down the pub on Friday! In all seriousness though, after raising a stonkingly good amount of money for Mission Australia based on my efforts in the City 2 Surf last year, I thought I'd give fund raising another crack this year in the Cancer Council's ‘Relay For Life'. It's a cracking cause and the event itself is a serious commitment of time and effort. It's my one and only call for donations in 2011 so cough up! J If you are interested in donating and want to find out more please read on.

If you don't need any further encouragement then click on the link and donate now!

http://relay.cancercouncil.com.au/2011/eastern_suburbs_2011/Wii-Not-Fit/252732 

What am I doing to help encourage you to donate and why?

The What

The Relay for Life is, as the name suggests, a relay. No big deal huh? Wrong. It's a 24 hour relay! That's right. The team will walk for 24 hours straight from 10am Saturday 21^st May till 10am the next day. Throughout the night. In all weather conditions. To make it worse Chris Bonfield is in my team. If you don't know him consider yourself lucky. If you do, pity me.

For more information check out the link below.

http://relay.cancercouncil.com.au/2011/eastern_suburbs_2011

The Why

I've entered as part the "Wii Not Fit" team put together by my friend and colleague, Anne Saymontry. I requested a team name change to "Wii Not Fit - with the exception of Huw who is a super speedy long distance runner" but was voted down. Anne has particular incentive and motivation for putting together a team with her mother currently fighting cancer herself. Cancer picked the wrong day to mess someone who is close to one of my friends. Now it's personal.

What will you get for your money?

•  An immense sense of self satisfaction knowing that you have helped a truly worthy cause
• Positive Karma
• The opportunity to see me dressed up in women's clothes to raise extra money on the day (surely that's worth at least a $10 people?)
• The thought of me slogging it out over 24 hours in Centennial Park, no doubt picking up numerous ticks and succumbing to tick paralysis at the 23 hour mark and having to be carted off to Royal Prince Alfred Hospital

Donate now. Donate now. Donate now. Donate now. Donate now. Donate now. Donate now. Donate now. Donate now. Donate now. Donate now.

http://relay.cancercouncil.com.au/2011/eastern_suburbs_2011/Wii-Not-Fit/252732

So then, that's my charitable appeal to you. If you've got any questions then let me know. If not, wish me luck on the day!

Cultural Learnings From America's Hat

Culinary defication

So there I was enjoying a loud beverage at a local watering hole when up comes this lovely young bar wench. After the mandatory small talk concerning issues such as the weather and how the local sports team is performing she asks if I'd like something to eat. Despite not being particularly hungry the bar wench is pretty fit and I figure the longer I parlay with her the greater my chances of discovering if she is a natural blonde. I therefore respond in the affirmative before asking what she'd recommend.

So then, Fit Bar Wench Whom I am Keen To Discover The Natural Hair Colour Of says "how about a bowl of poo-teen?". Note the italics indicate the phonetic pronunciation of the word. More on this later. So there I am. Faced with a word the meaning of which I am entirely unfamiliar with yet containing potential comic value my brain moves into witty retort mode. Possible responses included:

• "that sounds like sh!t" to
• "so your washroom (Candian term for dunny/crapper/toilet/etc) doubles as the kitchen does it?" and finally
• "is that what the girls in Two Girls, One Cup were eating?".

That final thought was my downfall. Mental flash backs to the Two Girls video overcame my mental faculties. I don't think I even said a word. I actually think I blacked out. The next thing I knew was I had the cheque for my drinks and Fit Bar Wench Whom I am Keen To Discover The Natural Hair Colour Of is standing over by the bar giving me a weird look. Suffice to say I never did find out if she was a natural blonde.

Sorry if this tangent ended abruptly and with no real conclusion. I got distracted by this Swedish bird (non avian variety). They are known for being distracting. The Australian government is in fact considering making it illegal for Swedish women to be within 10 metres of a road unless they are dressed in full burqa style body coverings. It is estimated that motoring accidents decrease by 24.82% if this law were introduced. Anyway, for more context see this wikipedia entry on poutine. Turns out it's not a pile of crap and is actually a very tasty way to serve chips (French fries for our North American friends or frites for our European colleagues).

Jafas and Trade Unions

If Canada is America's Hat then Australian's must be the hair lice on America's scalp. They are everywhere and often considered to be pests that you have to treat with chemicals (i.e. alcohol) to keep them in control. Yes, as a proud Australian it pains me to say it but we seem to have exported a large amount of our bogans and douche bags to Canada. Australia's gain. Canada's loss. If you are a fan of baggy snowboard pants with the crotch worn down around shin height and likely to give the Royal Canadian Mounted Police opportunity to exercise their jurisdictional powers then you'll fit right in. To give you an idea of just how prevalent Aussies are over here, Vegemite is stocked in your local supermarket. Further damning evidence of the plague like nature of Australians in Canada can be seen in the fact that there is a noticeable spike in public nudity, affray, racism, general dickheadery, and other alcohol related crimes on January 26th each year. Australia Day. I tender the following evidence:

8am. 30 minutes before opening time.

Ten Seconds Later

Minus 10 degrees Celsius

What with the best and brightest of Australia on show it's no wonder the locals came up with a pejorative acronym for Australians. Jafa. Just Another F*cking Australian. Ouch. That hurts Canada. Yet despite this seeming animosity towards Aussies, there is a strange symbiotic relationship between Canada and it's Australian guests. One can't live without the other. Like young lovers in the Velcro stage of their relationship (think of the similarities between Velcro and pubic hair) the two are inseparable. To the uninitiated outsider on their first trip to Canada it would be fair assumption that the ski resorts of Canada actually exist in Australia. Every second mountain worker has a name badge saying "Hi, I'm Wayne/Sheila/Norm/Bazza/etc from Australia". Australians seem to be Canada's equivalent of wet back Mexican labour in the US. Everyone complains about them but love the fact they are prepared to do the jobs Canadian's don't want to do themselves. Hell, at $12 per hour even a bogan Australian is pretty good value. This whole situation got me thinking that there would be a fantastic business opportunity for the Trade Union movement here. I've got a mind to come over and start up a union and hold the mountain to ransom. The place would collapse faster than a Latin American. I'd call it the Australian Ski and Snowfield Hospitality Operations Licensing and Extended Services Union (ASSHOLES).



Dope = munchies = rug munching?

Pugilistic Stoners

You would be forgiven for thinking that boxing is the number one sport amongst disaffected youth in Canada today. Why? Because I say so. And because all the kids are talking about is punching cones. Work sucks man...let's go punch some cones bro. My snowboard pants are like way baggy...let's go punch some cones bro. It's raining...let's go punch some cones bro. It's Wednesday...let's go punch some cones bro. After repeatedly telling people they are not American whilst holidaying overseas, getting stoned would appear to be Canada's national pastime. They certainly put our Dutch friends to shame. What with quality stores like BC Smoke Shop (who are sponsoring today's blog) it may not be totally legal to light up but we are sure as hell going to make it as easy as possible for you to inhale.

A is more than the indefinite article

Canadians have bastardised the Queen's English. The word "eh" (pronounced like the letter A) appears at the end of most sentences. The only use I can ascertain for it is to communicate to the other participants in the conversation that one has finished speaking and is likely awaiting a response. It's like using the word "over" when communicating via short wave radio. Over. An average conversation would go something like this.

Canadian 1: Hey bro.

Canadian 2: Hey man.

Canadian 1: So how aboot that ice hockey eh?

Canadian 2: Oh I missed it because I was stoned eh.

Canadian 1: Oh you got anymore eh?

Canadian 2: Eh bro sure do eh.

Canadian 1: Let's go punch some cones eh bro.

Canadian 2: Eh.

I'm oot

So then. Canada. Recommended if you're a stoner with no care for correct grammar who likes vegemite. I'm going to go punch some cones now eh.