Christmas. The Yuletide. A special time of the year. One that holds many cherished memories. Such as waking to the knowledge that, after one particular wild Christmas Eve night out at the otherwise god forsaken Oatley Pub, you have achieved the single greatest feat of your life to date and one that many will never achieve except in their wildest fantasies. But more on this later. Much later. Perhaps only after a few too many glasses of mulled wine from the wassail glass.
Anyhow. Christmas is also a time of traditions. And I think you'll find that no matter how religious or heretical your approach to Christmas is, the traditions bare remarkable similarities. Case in point - old blokes talking rubbish. Whether it be some old bloke in a funny hat talking rubbish at the Vatican or your old man in a funny red hat talking rubbish at the family barbecue, the end result is the same. Nobody has any actual idea what the old buggers are talking about but you humour them and somehow end up feeling better for the experience. Furthermore, has it ever struck you how Santa loves giving kids all over the world presents and how priests just love kids? If it hasn't struck you before now then I assume your mental faculties and politically correct sensitivities are preventing you.
So then. Let's take a closer look at a couple of Christmas traditions.
Anyhow. Christmas is also a time of traditions. And I think you'll find that no matter how religious or heretical your approach to Christmas is, the traditions bare remarkable similarities. Case in point - old blokes talking rubbish. Whether it be some old bloke in a funny hat talking rubbish at the Vatican or your old man in a funny red hat talking rubbish at the family barbecue, the end result is the same. Nobody has any actual idea what the old buggers are talking about but you humour them and somehow end up feeling better for the experience. Furthermore, has it ever struck you how Santa loves giving kids all over the world presents and how priests just love kids? If it hasn't struck you before now then I assume your mental faculties and politically correct sensitivities are preventing you.
So then. Let's take a closer look at a couple of Christmas traditions.
The Origins of Christmas - blasphemy ahead
Now we all know that Christmas is a day of celebration that marks the birth of rampant consumerism and the victory of capitalism over Judeo-Christian based faiths. But do we know the origins of this day? I'd wager not. Some scholars maintain that Christmas has something to do with the Son of God but as this has yet to be verified with Wikipedia I'm going to have to take this on notice. Rather, I've done some extensive research into the matter and have come up with the following. (Note: by extensive research I mean about 5 minutes on Google and 3 hours down the pub with my housemates talking bollocks)
Christmas, as we know it, can trace its origins to 18th century Germany. Yes, those krazy krauts invented the modern take on Christmas. With Germany also known as the Fatherland in times past, it should come as no surprise as to why Santa Claus also goes by the name Father Christmas. Anyway, as some of you will know I love Germany. Being the home of Oktoberfest, German backpackers and hard core porn, how can you not love the place. Despite giving the world such awesome gifts, however, the Germans have a bit of a hit and miss record when it comes to creating things. The Nazi Party for instance. Not such great a gift to the world. Two Girls and a Cup. Another Germanic dud. Still, everyone is allowed one mistake. Given Christmas was invented before World War 2 you may even say our Deutsche mates had some credits in the bank. When you tac on numerous other creations like the Oompah Band, Michael Schumacher, Blackforest cake, the .mp3 file format, BMWs, and the spray-on condom, you are left in no doubt that Germans are pretty handy on the invention front.
OK. So we know the Germans are pretty good at inventing stuff and we also know that Christmas is pretty good. Therefore we can assume that Germans created Christmas. If that evidence isn't enough to persuade you as to the Germanic origins of Christmas then I don't know what is. Still, for those who are unable to make that leap of logic then stick this next paragraph in your logical pipe and smoke it.
Christmas, as we know it, can trace its origins to 18th century Germany. Yes, those krazy krauts invented the modern take on Christmas. With Germany also known as the Fatherland in times past, it should come as no surprise as to why Santa Claus also goes by the name Father Christmas. Anyway, as some of you will know I love Germany. Being the home of Oktoberfest, German backpackers and hard core porn, how can you not love the place. Despite giving the world such awesome gifts, however, the Germans have a bit of a hit and miss record when it comes to creating things. The Nazi Party for instance. Not such great a gift to the world. Two Girls and a Cup. Another Germanic dud. Still, everyone is allowed one mistake. Given Christmas was invented before World War 2 you may even say our Deutsche mates had some credits in the bank. When you tac on numerous other creations like the Oompah Band, Michael Schumacher, Blackforest cake, the .mp3 file format, BMWs, and the spray-on condom, you are left in no doubt that Germans are pretty handy on the invention front.
OK. So we know the Germans are pretty good at inventing stuff and we also know that Christmas is pretty good. Therefore we can assume that Germans created Christmas. If that evidence isn't enough to persuade you as to the Germanic origins of Christmas then I don't know what is. Still, for those who are unable to make that leap of logic then stick this next paragraph in your logical pipe and smoke it.
So Christmas is a religious holiday. A Christian one. Birth of Jesus etc. You're thinking, "yes, I know that. Thanks Captain Obvious". To which I would counter, "be prepared to stand corrected mon frère". Don't know why I slipped in a bit of French there. Guess it sounded like a good idea at the time. Probably trying to impress a French bird or something. It's not important though. What is important is that Christmas as you know it, with the big tree all decorated, is all about Paganism. Yes. Those nature worshipping barbaric thugs from Northern Europe were nuts for Christmas. How so? Well, in it's ongoing efforts to supplant all other forms of religion, the Christian Church went on a public holiday Crusade. Here is a excerpt of a conversation between the Pope and Pagan tribal chiefs I found in the Vatican Library:
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| Pope. He wants Christmas. |
Pope: What's that Paganism? You have this awesome kick ass celebration in the heart of winter? On the shortest day of the year, recognising that when all life has seemingly died out the next day will be bring more sunlight and slowly the world will be reborn in the coming Spring? An occasion celebrating the birth of nature...the basis of your religion?
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| Pagans. They own Christmas. |
Paganism: Yes. Yes, we do. We call it the Yuletide. It marks the shortest day of the year from whence forth the world will come back into life. Now can you hurry up and finish. I've got some raping and pillaging to be about.
Pope: Wow. That's an amazing coincidence. Us Christian's also have a similar holiday. About the birth of some awesome Jewish bloke who is likely totally coming to save everyone. I think you guys had nature mistaken for this Jesus bloke. And that's totally cool.
Paganism: Sounds good Pope. Problem though is we like to decorate ever green trees, like pine trees, with gifts and what not, as they remind us that even in the heart of winter there is life and hope. It's like totally awesome. Second only to raping and pillaging. It doesn't sound like this Jesus character does that too.
Pope: No we do that too. (***Pope whispers in Cardinal's ear: "hey mate, we totally need to change the Bible or something to include this tree decorating caper...Cardinal to Pope: "Copy that Pope - I'm on it.")
Paganism: OK. Count us in.
Here endeth the lesson.
Mistletoe - a last ditch legal defence for unwanted sexual advances at the office Christmas party
Mistletoe, unlike cameltoe, is a much loved Christmas tradition whose origins are long lost in the annals of history. That's not entirely true. They are actually quite well recorded but I really can't be bothered relating them here as this blog is far too long already and I'm getting a little bored. I only wanted to refer to it here so I could talk about cameltoe. Mission accomplished. For more information on Mistletoe please refer to Google or your Internet search engine of choice.
The Office Christmas Party - an opportunity for group dance lessons
So often an occasion where some plonker in your team at work gets trolleyed and makes a tit of themselves, I've actually come to associate this festive occasion with fully sick dance moves. Very strange association, but if you knew my team at work and the predilection we have for a choreographed dance routine at the end of year financial party, you wouldn't be so surprised. For evidence of this year's installment please see the below video. Here we have the boss Steve aka "The Worm" and Daniel aka "The CEO Award Winner" demonstrating the sychronised Worm:
Pure class I think you'll agree.
Not to be outdone, here is a short video of yours truly, first trying to help Vic aka "sorry for leaving footprints all over your wall Dave, I wanted to practice hand stands" with the worm, and the yielding to peer pressure and having a crack at the worm myself:
Yes. My pelvis was bruised in the incident. Don't worry ladies, I can confirm that it is still fully functional.
Much Later - refer to the end of paragraph one for context
Not to be outdone, here is a short video of yours truly, first trying to help Vic aka "sorry for leaving footprints all over your wall Dave, I wanted to practice hand stands" with the worm, and the yielding to peer pressure and having a crack at the worm myself:
Yes. My pelvis was bruised in the incident. Don't worry ladies, I can confirm that it is still fully functional.
Much Later - refer to the end of paragraph one for context
So it seems Christmas cheer has got the better of me and for better or worse, with an 86.4% chance of it being worse, I'll divulge one my my cherished Christmas memories (which I am working hard at making a tradition). Now you'll need to bare with me on this one. To avoid a libelous law suit or defamation class action I'll have to suppress the real names of the people from this story. As a further measure to ensure the anonymity of those involved I'll also make this story into one big metaphor. Actually I don't thing that this enough. I'm going to just have to cut straight to a simple little riddle and let your minds go to work.
un plus deux = trois
If you guessed right then you will see that I had a very merry Christmas. If you haven't the faintest idea what I am talking about then just assume I had a very merry Christmas.
And on that note I shall sign off from my special Christmas edition blog entry. I wish you neither a merry Christmas nor happy new year. A pox on your house!
un plus deux = trois
If you guessed right then you will see that I had a very merry Christmas. If you haven't the faintest idea what I am talking about then just assume I had a very merry Christmas.
And on that note I shall sign off from my special Christmas edition blog entry. I wish you neither a merry Christmas nor happy new year. A pox on your house!
