What type of Gringo are you?

Enjoying an authentic local experience - they can't wait to show their neighbours back home this photo

Gringo. A general term used by Latin American's to describe those of foreign origin. Whilst the term was originally intended to identify Americans (of the septic tank, i.e. Yank, variety) following the Mexican-American wars where the US of A (dressed in green uniforms) towelled up the little Mexicans in short order, the term Gringo has grown to include all foreigners, regardless of origin. With such a wide catchment of the human population now covered by the term Gringo I have decided that it is past time for a deeper investigation of this population with the hope of identifying unique sub-species within the genus Gringo. The results of my investigations can be found below. In the best journalistic traditions my findings will be presented in quiz format based on the "Which type of *insert stereotype here* are you???" style found in Cosmopolitan or any other trashy magazine aimed at teenage girls.

If you've been fortunate enough never to have seen/read/heard of one of these quizzes then god bless you. Nevertheless, you'll need a quick rundown on how these pieces of literary content vacuum operate. Quite simple really. I guess it has to be when your primary audience are fans of Justin Bieber and the Twilight series. You will be presented with a series questions and multiple choice answers that describe various characteristics, personality traits, and other identifying features. Simply read through the questions and select the response that most resembles you. In each case note down the corresponding multiple choice letter. Once you've answered all questions check to see which multiple choice letter occurred most frequently in your responses. It's OK if you have a range of letters but you should see a grouping around a particular letter. Don't worry. You don't have schizophrenia or a split personality. Well you may, but the American Medical Association would probably not approve of the quiz as a valid diagnostic tool. Finally look at the summary descriptions and identify the description that corresponds to your most frequent multiple choice answer. What follows should be an apt description of a part of your personality.

Question 1: What is the primary purpose of your travels?
(a) Consumption of as much alcohol as possible, preferably in the hostel bar, closely followed by consumption of controlled substances and fornication with other back packers or the odd unsuspecting local should you leave the hostel.

(b) Experiencing the "real" *insert country/continent*. It's all about cultural immersion.

(c) Ticking boxes. If it's in the guidebook then you are going to see it come rain, hail or Central American tin pot dictatorial military coup.

(d) Staying away from your country of origin for as long as possible. It's your first taste of freedom so you are going to make it last.

Question 2: What type of clothing best describes your typical holiday get up.

(a) Shorts (often of the board variety), singlet and flip-flops (thongs, jandals, slip slops, sandals).

(b) Anything that is baggy and has beads on it. Headbands are also a common accompaniment.

(c) Any of the following: often in combination: Hawaiian shirts, chinos, safari suits, matching lightweight "travel" clothes.

(d) The free t-shirt that you got from the rafting trip. Failing that, a real mixed bag of old clothes and knock-off items bought at the local market.

Question 3: When purchasing local goods and services what is your approach to the transaction?
(a) You rarely buy anything from anyone who doesn't speak your native language (mostly English) but when you do it's usually alcohol or drugs which are hard to haggle over. Frequent purchases include singlets branded with one of the local domestic beers. You tip the bar staff so they poor you extra strong drinks.

(b) You don't believe in capitalism so rarely purchase anything unless it's produced by a not-for-profit charitable organisation.

(c) Most things have been pre-paid but when you do venture out to the tourist shops you pay whatever the list price is.

(d) The lowest possible price regardless of the fact you are eating into the wages of the poor local people employed by the tour agencies to actually take you on guided tours or carry your bags whilst the agency maintains a healthy profit margin. You will often waist half your day bargaining to save 10 pesos. Tipping is taboo.

Question 4: When selecting your accommodation what is the MOST important feature you look for?
(a) A bar.

(b) The absence of a mandatory hygiene standard.

(c) None. You generally have no choice as to where you stay.

(d) Price.

Question 5: What precautions do you take to ensure the security of your money and key travel documents?

(a) No need as you can charge everything to your room once armed with the holy hostel wristband - ID, wallet and emergency contact number/address all rolled into one.

(b) You don't have any money and are probably overstaying your visa so it doesn't matter.

(c) Moneybelt. You expect that 96% of the locals are criminals.

(d) You keep an excel spreadsheet with a tally of every single peso spent/lent/borrowed.

Question 6: When travelling what do you miss most about home?
(a) Watching your favourite sporting team whilst getting on the cans with your mates. "Why do these poofs like soccer so much?"

(b) The local farmers market, protesting against capitalism and a good decaf soy latte made with organic fare trade coffee beans.

(c) The white picket fence.

(d) Nothing. It's why you are staying away as long as possible.

Question 7: When travelling what are the most notable changes to your health or physical well being?
(a) You develop an awesome singlet tan and during extended periods of travel gout can set in.

(b) You frequently suffer from malnutrition as the local's don't cater for your vegan organic macrobiotic diet.

(c) None. You are barely exposed to a foreign environment given you rarely leave the hotel, tour bus, or other prescribed venue.

(d) You let your hair grow long (both head and facial). Often a tattoo is inked into your skin. Brain cells and lung capacity are irrevocably damaged from excess marijuana consumption.

Question 8: What type of countries are you most likely to want to visit?
(a) Mostly countries with beaches or other notable party destinations.

(b) Wherever spiritual awakening can be found.

(c) Those countries with "must see" tourist attractions and are safe to travel to according to your governments foreign affairs travel advisory service.

(d) Whatever countries are cheapest. In addition you are restricted to those countries which will let you in with your not so popular passport. Mostly Muslim countries.

Question 9: What kind of souvenirs are you most likely to bring home?

(a) A sexually transmitted disease.

(b) Indigenous artwork and clothing, that will be confiscated at customs because it's invested with wood worms and numerous other foreign pests and diseases that would do irreparable damage the native environment.

(c) For yourself, commemorative photos taken of you standing next to the relevant boxes you've just ticked on your recent holiday. Keyrings, mugs, stuffed toys depicting local wildlife, and numerous other examples of local trinkets that make it obvious where you've been.

(d) None. You aren't going to waste money on souvenirs.

SO, WHICH TYPE OF GRINGO ARE YOU????

Mostly (a) - The Bogan* Backpacker
(* Bogan is an Australian term referring to people who generally have few manners, low levels of education, and poor cultural awareness...most countries have similar slang terms such as yob, NED, chav, or NASCAR fan)

Farken bueno bro. Shots at the bar!!!! For you travelling is all about getting farked up in as many countries as possible. It's one endless party. Sure you'll go and tick the big tourist boxes, usually while hungover and being transported in Contiki tour bus, but it's really a second order priority. Your idea of a cultural experience is sampling the local beer. You'll learn enough of the language to enable you to order a drink at the local nightclub but that's about it. The damn foreigners should learn to speak English anyway. There is a fair chance you'll end up with a tatoo featuring an "indigenous" design that will be ruined and get infected after you pass out in the sun the next day. In large groups, especially with your fellow countrymen, you become exponentially obnoxious. Chances are you will be arrested by the local constabulary for drunkeness or drug possession on a "big night out". After sex tourists you are the second worst advert for your country. But who cares, it's the best farken country in the world so they can all get stuffed.

Mostly (b) - The Hippy
You are best described as the modern day hippy. For you travelling is all about discovering the "real" Cambodia whilst all your fellow travellers discover what must be the "fake" Cambodia. You wish you were born in the 60's so you could share in the peace, love, mung beans and bra burning. Decked out in baggy clothes, numerous bracelets and beaded hair you roam from country to country seeking spiritual enlightenment through connecting with indigenous peoples. Spurning usual gringo activities you prefer to get close to the local populace by participating in all cultural traditions. You ignore the fact that the majority of the populace has moved into the 20th century and has mobile phones and has a preference for Coca-Cola over the traditional herb tea.

Mostly (c) - The Flashpacker
Going overseas is a potentially dangerous and scary experience. Especially to countries where they don't speak your native language (i.e. most other places in the world). All those locals are out to get you. They'll take every opportunity to rip you off, steal your wallet or passport, and generally make you feel uncomfortable. Still, you aren't going to let these hassles stop you from getting those precious commemorative tourist photos at major attractions like Ankor Wat, Macchu Pichu and Christ the Redeemer, that will be going straight onto your mantle piece or coffee table to impress you friends and family with and demonstrate how intrepid you are. Hell no. You've got the money to effectively take the travelling out of travelling and by god are you going to spend it.

Question: What do you do when you can't/won't do something yourself.

Answer: Pay someone else to do it.

And that's just what you are going to do with your travels. A nice and easy pre-packaged holiday. Maximum photo opportunity, minimum fuss. Everything has been done for you bar wiping your own butt, but there is probably an additional supplemental charge you can pay to cover that if you so desire. From the hotel, to the restaurant, to the specifically selected souvenir store, whilst holidaying in your safe little Gringo bubble you can rest safe in the knowledge that all you have to do is point and click that camera of yours. Just in case you do get off the beaten track you have the latest matching North Face trekking gear. Essential for those short walks between the bus and the next designated photo opportunity.

You probably won't be reading this blog I may as well stop pouring scorn on you now. To be fair though, having the sense of adventure and courage to travel outside your own country and comfort zone should be applauded. There are many people who will never go beyond the Gold Coast or Costa del Sol. I have a secret respect for you.

Mostly (d) - The young Israeli man recently released from compulsory military service
A controversial selection no doubt but one I feel compelled to add. When someone first told me about this unique type of gringo I was sceptical and thought that they must be some dumb racist. The pointy white hat was a bit of a giveaway. That was until I experienced it first hand. It really needs to be experienced but I'll attempt to paint a little portrait for you. So, at risk of being called a racist (in which case you can go get bent)...

You seem to go out of your way to be a jerk. When in large groups you become exponentially more obnoxious and loud. Travelling is about spending as long as possible away from home, letting your hair grow long, smoking copious amounts of marijuana, and generally being a selfish turd oblivious to cultural sensitivities and other travellers. You can't be bothered interacting with backpackers from other countries. Nobody really knows why. I guess they just don't understand what you've been through these last few years cleaning tanks and doing marching drill. You are going to make up for lost time. You ruin the reputation of your fellow countrymen who are for the most part awesome travellers and backpackers. That is your unfortunate legacy. Not that you give a toss.

The End

 

So that's it then! I hope you enjoyed me casting massive aspersions and generalisations as I've gone about stereotyping the many forms of gringo that exist out there. Of course, you may not recognise yourself in one of the above descriptions. That's fine. It's probably a good thing.